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I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression Paperback – March 2, 1998
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Twenty years of experience treating men and their families has convinced psychotherapist Terrence Real that depression is a silent epidemic in men—that men hide their condition from family, friends, and themselves to avoid the stigma of depression’s “un-manliness.” Problems that we think of as typically male—difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behavior, and rage—are really attempts to escape depression. And these escape attempts only hurt the people men love and pass their condition on to their children.
This groundbreaking book is the “pathway out of darkness” that these men and their families seek. Real reveals how men can unearth their pain, heal themselves, restore relationships, and break the legacy of abuse. He mixes penetrating analysis with compelling tales of his patients and even his own experiences with depression as the son of a violent, depressed father and the father of two young sons.
- Print length384 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherScribner
- Publication dateMarch 2, 1998
- Dimensions5.5 x 1.1 x 8.38 inches
- ISBN-100684835398
- ISBN-13978-0684835396
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Editorial Reviews
Amazon.com Review
Review
“An important book about men and depression that is uplifting...Men will recognize the other men found here: laconic bullet-biters, 'rage-aholics,' emotional runaways, and badly fathered sons turned into disconnected dads who spill their emotional truths onto the page.”—Richard Higgins, The Boston Globe
“Extraordinary...brings to light a hidden history of male depression...A powerful book.”—Michael Kimmel, San Francisco Chronicle Book Review
“The most provocative in a flood of new books on depression...The only volume that speaks exclusively to and about depressed men.”—Pamela Warrick, Los Angeles Times
“Offers not only crucial insights to men suffering from depression but also comfort and guidance to the women who love them.”—John Bradshaw
“This is a sobering, powerful book about male depression both ‘covert’ and ‘overt.’ The book moves on to new ground both in language and story. I Don’t Want to Talk About It is exhilarating in its honesty and grief; it moves forward like a hurricane.” —Robert Bly
“Even in this era of managed care and Prozac, therapy is still an art. Mr. Real emerges in this book as an artist who plays his theories with the passion and skill of Isaac Stern in concert.” —Dallas Morning News
“A tour-de-force, this landmark book uncovers a hidden epidemic with devastating effects. In an elegant novelist style, Terrence Real traces the shadow of male depression from father to son. And in a bold, courageous way, he tells his own story of trauma and recovery, which shines like a golden thread throughout the book.” —Connie Zweig, Ph.D., author of Romancing the Shadow
“Riveting reading. You pick it up and can't put it down. . . . I Don't Want to Talk About It could get you started on a conversation with yourself that would allow you to shed a burden you've been carrying a long time." —Jane Tompkins, The Raleigh News & Observer
“Terry Real writes with understanding and compassion for his own father, for himself as a father of young sons, and for the many men in his practice whose stories he tells. Like a good novel, I Don’t Want to Talk About It pulls you in and keeps you reading. Beautifully written; it’s an important book for all of us.” —Olga Silverstein, author of The Courage to Raise Good Men
“Boys in our culture are taught that real men are stoic. The ability to not complain, endure pain, and strive in the face of adversity is admired and celebrated in story and song. The price paid for this isolation is depression. Terry Real has produced a seminal work that is likely to be the text of choice for therapists and patients for many years.” —Pia Mellody, author of Facing Love Addiction and Facing Co-Dependence
“Clear, compelling . . . strongly reasoned. . . . The book is wise beyond its stated scope: in setting up a model, nature, and etiology and treatment of male depression, Real ends up offering—with some gender variants—an almost universal paradigm.” —Publishers Weekly
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
I Don't Want to Talk About It
Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male DepressionBy Terrence RealScribner
Copyright ©1998 Terrence RealAll right reserved.
ISBN: 0684835398
From Chapter One: Men's Hidden Depression
When I stand beside troubled fathers and sons I am often flooded with a sense
of recognition, All men are sons and, whether they know it or not, most sons are
loyal. To me, my father presented a confusing jumble of brutality and pathos. As
a boy, I drank into my character a dark, jagged, emptiness that haunted me for
close to thirty years. As other fathers have done to their sons, my
father-through the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice, the quality Of his
touch-passed the depression he did not know he had on to me, just as surely as
his father had passed it on to him -- a chain of pain, linking parent to child
across generations, a toxic legacy.
In hindsight, it is clear to me that, among other reasons, I became a
therapist so I could cultivate the skills I needed to heal my own father -- to heal
him at least sufficiently to get him to talk to me. I needed to know about his
life to help understand his brutality and lay my hatred of him to rest. At first
I did this unconsciously, not out of any great love for him, but out of an
instinct to save myself. I wanted the legacy to stop.
One might think that I would have brought to my work a particular sensitivity
to issues of depression in men, but at first I did not. Despite my hard-won
personal knowledge, years passed before I found the courage to invite
my patients to embark upon the same journey I had taken. I was not prepared, by
training or experience, to reach so deep into a man's inner pain -- to hold and
confront him there. Faced with men's hidden fragility, I had been tacitly
schooled, like most therapists-indeed, like most people in our culture -- to protect
them. I had also been taught that depression was predominantly a woman's disease,
that the rate of depression was somewhere between two to four times higher for
women than it was for men. When I first began my clinical practice, I had faith
in the simplicity of such figures, but twenty years of work with men and their
families has lead me to believe that the real story concerning this disorder is
far more complex.
There is a terrible collusion in our society, a cultural cover-up about
depression in men.
One of the ironies about men's depression is that the very forces that help
create it keep us from seeing it. Men are not supposed to be vulnerable. Pain is
something we are to rise above. He who has been brought down by it will most
likely see himself as shameful, and so, too, may his family and friends, even the
mental health profession. Yet I believe it is this secret pain that lies at the
heart of many of the difficulties in men's lives. Hidden depression drives
several of the problems we think of as typically male: physical illness, alcohol
and drug abuse, domestic violence, failures in intimacy, self-sabotage in
careers.
We tend not to recognize depression in men because the disorder itself is seen
as unmanly. Depression carries, to many, a double stain -- the stigma of mental
illness and also the stigma of "feminine" emotionality. Those in a relationship
with a depressed man are themselves often faced with a painful dilemma. They can
either confront his condition -- which may further shame him -- or else collude with
him in minimizing it, a course that offers no hope for relief. Depression in men -- a
condition experienced as both shamefilled and shameful -- goes largely
unacknowledged and unrecognized both by the men who suffer and by those who
surround them. And yet, the Impact of this hidden condition is
enormous.
Copyright © 1997 by Terry Real
Continues...
Excerpted from I Don't Want to Talk About Itby Terrence Real Copyright ©1998 by Terrence Real. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Product details
- Publisher : Scribner; Reprint edition (March 2, 1998)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 384 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0684835398
- ISBN-13 : 978-0684835396
- Item Weight : 12 ounces
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 1.1 x 8.38 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #8,146 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #15 in Men's Gender Studies
- #17 in Depression (Books)
- #309 in Personal Transformation Self-Help
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book insightful and helpful for understanding themselves and others. They describe it as well-researched and engaging for those who love them. The writing quality is described as clear, articulate, and captivating. Overall, readers feel the book provides enlightening insights and consider it a masterpiece.
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Customers find the book insightful and helpful for understanding themselves and others. They mention it helps them figure out issues, with modern literature, film, psychology, vignettes, and real's own experiences. The book is practical, explained with powerful case studies, and considered the best guide about depression in men. It provides great insights about how males and females are socialized.
"...It describes me so well. It is so painful to read. But it also gives me some hope. Perhaps I can truly get a handle on this stuff...." Read more
"This is an extraordinary book by an experienced and wise clinician who has travelled the road in and out of darkness for himself and for many others..." Read more
"I strongly recommend this book, as it shares great insights about how males (and females) are socialized in our culture, and what the effects of..." Read more
"My wife is reading the book and it is quite an eye opener for her. Women swim in a very different water than men...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and engaging. They say it's well-researched and relevant, describing it as one of the top three psychology books they have read. Readers mention that the book improves their quality of life.
"This is an extraordinary book by an experienced and wise clinician who has travelled the road in and out of darkness for himself and for many others..." Read more
"...The end of the book is amazing. I love his implied definition of what a man is: an adult male, nothing more, and nothing less...." Read more
"...The author does a good job in the beginning laying the groundwork for what could be a great book; however, his liberal social identity views quickly..." Read more
"...Incredible job!" Read more
Customers find the book's writing clear and engaging. They appreciate the author's ability to explain complex topics in an understandable way. The book provides relatable case studies and personal stories that convey a message of love, understanding, and peace.
"I just discovered this book. It describes me so well. It is so painful to read. But it also gives me some hope...." Read more
"...the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real is a thorough and insightful examination of a depression and its accompanying stigmatized..." Read more
"...Terry is a great writer and believes passionately in his Emotional Focused Therapy like approach to helping men...." Read more
"...Absolutely brilliantly laid out, logically and practically explained, with powerful case studies." Read more
Customers find the book enlightening and enjoyable to read. They describe it as Terrance Real's masterpiece.
"...the back story and what it takes to deal with the challenges is a beautiful thing...." Read more
"...It has answered many questions for me and shed new light on why I feel the way I do and do the things I do...." Read more
"Terrance Real's masterpiece...." Read more
"...This book conveys a message of love, understanding, and a peaceful look to the root of our sufferings...." Read more
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This is a really great book!
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on November 1, 2024I just discovered this book. It describes me so well. It is so painful to read. But it also gives me some hope. Perhaps I can truly get a handle on this stuff. Perhaps I can make my way through the past as the author has. I feel his pain. He obviously knows my pain. Knowing us progress I guess. I am sad at the ending if the book, mostly because I never had a similar experience with my own father.
- Reviewed in the United States on August 31, 2024This is an extraordinary book by an experienced and wise clinician who has travelled the road in and out of darkness for himself and for many others; he blends theory, narrative, therapeutic process and experience in a thoughtful and emotionally moving way.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 12, 2010I strongly recommend this book, as it shares great insights about how males (and females) are socialized in our culture, and what the effects of this often are. It is also simply a really good read. It is gut wrenching at times, though, as he describes the incredible trauma that some of his patients have been through. The end of the book is amazing. I love his implied definition of what a man is: an adult male, nothing more, and nothing less.
My criticisms:
(1) I think he underestimates the role of biology, implying that it is all nurture and little nature. He does spend a very short of time on this issue very late in the book, finishing with the argument that even if a chunk of the behaviors are instinctive / hard-wired that it is no excuse for doing it anyway, that we are civilized and sentient, so should overcome it. I left still feeling he is badly underestimating it.
(2) I believe he is dramatically overestimating the amount of covert male depression in the USA. I think he gave some very high figure for his estimate, which I found pretty hard to believe. This sort of overestimate is very common for advocates of social change, though -- they tend to come up with very high statistical estimates to grab peoples' attention (and to get funding).
Overall a fine book, though!
- Reviewed in the United States on October 7, 2024My wife is reading the book and it is quite an eye opener for her. Women swim in a very different water than men. She always moaned about how "good" men had it over women. Then, from reading the book she has learned that men need to cut off half of themselves to be "real men". It leads to depression and a lack of supportive relationships as well as all sorts of dysfunction. Men sacrifice their emotions and ability to form supportive relationships while women are trained to discard agency and sexuality. Both have their trials and difficulties. This book lays it out for my wife who found the book revealing.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 4, 2024Informative
- Reviewed in the United States on May 17, 2024“Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real is a thorough and insightful examination of a depression and its accompanying stigmatized issue. Real delves into the often-overlooked topic of male depression with empathy and expertise, offering an exploration of how societal expectations of masculinity can obscure and exacerbate emotional struggles in men. The book combines personal anecdotes, clinical case studies, as well as cultural dynamics to illuminate the unique challenges men face in recognizing and addressing their mental health. Real's approach is both compassionate and practical, providing readers with valuable strategies for understanding and overcoming the hidden legacies of male depression. This book is an impressive read to gain understanding of male mental health, offering hope and practical guidance for those affected and their loved ones.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2024A used book that appeared to be new. What a great value. This book explores that causes and impact of male depression. Great information and well researched.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 27, 2023Starts out good. I actually highlighted and took some notes while reading the first half. At about the halfway point, the author changes gears and tries to convince readers that if not for traditional gender roles, men and women are essentially the same - we’re not. Men and women weren’t created to be the same, but instead to complement one another. Masculinity itself isn’t a bad thing, despite what this author believes. The author does a good job in the beginning laying the groundwork for what could be a great book; however, his liberal social identity views quickly get in the way. If you want to believe gender inequality is what’s wrong with everything, even male depression, you’ll love this book. He makes good points and provides some eye opening perspectives in the first half. I try to read even what I don’t agree with to gain a more complete understanding of various perspectives…and to that end I’d recommend this book (at least the first half). You’ll likely take something away, even if you find yourself (like me) challenged to get through the entire book.
Top reviews from other countries
- David O'SheaReviewed in the United Kingdom on November 5, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect
Arrived in excellent time and in great condition.
- Ashish Kumar SharmaReviewed in India on October 16, 2024
1.0 out of 5 stars Not original
Dont buy its not original copy
-
César Rodríguez GabilondoReviewed in Spain on September 17, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Autopsicoanálisis de la mano de un psicoanalista
Muchos no soportarán este libro por no poder enfrentarse a si mismos ni a sus traumas infantiles.
Leer sobre los problemas que nos genera los diferentes tipos de violencia que muchos sufrimos de niños es intimidante, inquietante y revelador; te induce a la reflexión y te va llevando de la mano, página a página a tu propio autopsicoanálisis. Especial atención pone el autor a la violencia generacional de la masculinización. No llores, se fuerte, no hay dolor, si no hay sangre no es falta, no seas una nenaza... es parte de la educación social traumatizadora. Luego vienen los otros traumas infantiles, que muchos han sufrido de mano de sus padres, sus profesores, sus compañeros, sus entrenadores... ¡Ay, el deporte;y la competición...! ¡Gran fábrica de traumatizados y de deprimidos!
A mi yo joven le recomendaría leer este libro para que fuera más compasivo con los demás y consigo mismo ya que sus problemas y complejos no son únicos. Entendería que la mayoría de la gente que le rodean tiene problemas, y que sus reacciones y comportamientos vienen condicionados por sus propios traumas por la mala educación que ha sufrido y por la dureza intrínseca de la vida.
Este libro te ayuda a conocerte mejor, a madurar desde la reflexión, a ser más generoso, a cuidar a los tuyos, a dar y a acompañarte a ti mismo en tus distintas etapas de la vida... Muy recomendable.
Recomiendo su traducción a otros idiomas.
- TomReviewed in the Netherlands on July 4, 2023
1.0 out of 5 stars book arrived damaged and dirty
Unfortunately the book arrived in bad state, with black dirt on it, and parts of the package (glue+paper) stuck badly to the cover.
The book is in too bad a condition to accept, and therefore will demand a new product.
Tom
Reviewed in the Netherlands on July 4, 2023
The book is in too bad a condition to accept, and therefore will demand a new product.
Images in this review -
Peter.DReviewed in Germany on May 14, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Sehr aufschlussreich
Sehr, sehr lehrreichen Buch, das Vieles erklärt.