How to Give Condolences

Source: RDNE Stock Project / Pexels

Life consistently reminds us that none of us are in control. When the unexpected or unfathomable happens, we’re often at a loss how to give condolences. What can we say or do? A lot, actually. But there are key dos and don’ts to consider.

Emotions serve a purpose other than distinguishing us from sociopaths and artificial intelligence. Emotions motivate and organize us to take action by reducing our reaction time in critical situations. What you say is secondary to where you are for someone in need. Oftentimes when someone is going through a crisis or loss, friends don’t know what to do or say, so they say nothing at all. As time passes, it becomes increasingly difficult and awkward to say anything. Ultimately, the relationship dissolves under a haze of misunderstanding.

5 Things to Avoid When Giving Condolences

1. Rationalizing or minimizing the loss. A 2022 study revealed that the most frequently used hurtful memorable messages were comments that attempted to rationalize the death or remarks that minimized the loss in some way. While the most helpful notes were those that provided the bereaved space to grieve.¹
2. Being sympathetic rather than empathetic. It’s vital to be empathetic, not sympathetic (i.e., pitying), towards someone suffering a loss. Be intentional in expressing your sorrow for their loss while offering genuine, empathetic condolences. Most people don’t lack empathy, they’re just bad at it or don’t realize it’s much like being ‘woke.’ It’s a vibe shift.
3. Using clichés. Avoid offering clichés like "at least they’re no longer suffering," "they lived a long, full life," “I know how you feel,” “You have to be strong,” or “It was their time to go,” as such phrases can be hurtful. Avoid grief comparisons or defining how they should act or feel, or for how long their personal grieving should last. Grief is a subjective emotion for each of us.
4. Not following up. You don’t have to be physically present to extend your presence. Send texts, emails, or things they might appreciate, even if they’re not in the headspace to talk. Sending baked goods, a treat box, or a large deep-dish pizza (in a bigger box) goes a long way. If you don’t hear back, never assume that they don’t want additional reminders of the loss via your supportive contact. In short: It’s not about you.
5. Pretending nothing has changed for the bereaved. No matter how uncomfortable it might feel, never purposefully avoid talking about the loss or the person who passed. It might seem helpful to the bereaved to skirt the subject, but raising the topic has a healing effect in that it helps preserve the memory of the person lost, while helping the bereft process the resulting emotions.

5 Things to Do When Giving Condolences:

1. Acknowledge their loss and grief. When comforting someone dealing with loss, it's key to acknowledge their grief when expressing your condolences. Be clear and steadfast on your offer of presence, and a willingness to listen sans judgment or any intention of “fixing” their grief. There’s no cure for grief. It’s not a disease.
2. Write a condolence letter. “Disclaimer: I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” This one act helps to create meaning out of the inexplicable. According to a 2020 University of Pennsylvania study, a letter of condolence conveys care while providing an opportunity for reflection, growth, learning, and legacy.² It offers comfort and hope and makes people feel they matter. And it contributes to the social glue of society.
3. Use helpful phrases. Consider phrases like, “I’m here to listen and help in any way possible,” “I wish I could alleviate your suffering; just know that I care for you,” “I’ve been thinking about you,” “My favorite memory of your loved one is…,” “Can I give you a hug?” or “May I just sit with you?”
4. Offer social support. A 2022 Swedish university study found that family and friends were valued as the most important sources of social support, while social support from societal institutions, such as health care and school, was considered less important, and insufficient.³ Your support can take many forms, such as preparing meals, babysitting, or getting them out for activities. You don’t want to express condolences later for your lack of condolences now.
5. Assist the grieving in finding help if needed. Healthy grief is marked by initial shock and numbness that leads to sorrow and depression that eventually allows the brain to adapt and recover. While unhealthy grief is intense, prolonged, and comprised of substantial impairment in work, health, and functioning. If you notice your loved one in such distress, prompt them to contact their physician or talk to a therapist.

Not all grief is equal. Neither are the condolences.